The big question of the week, that seems to be coming up a lot, is “how do people react when they find out your daughter has autism”? Well, I've thought about it and I can pretty much narrow most people down into just a few groups. While there are some great people out there, I have to admit that some people can just be downright annoying. I’m sorry...but it’s true.
- “The Diamonds”– these people here are hard to find, but when you do, you hold them tight. They are the ones that want to help you, out of the goodness of their hearts. Be it a ear to vent to, a shoulder to cry on or a mouth to sit back and drink some wine with. It doesn't matter. They might not have any answers for you, but they are there when you need someone.
- “The Fixers” -this group can consist of family, friends or total strangers and while they all mean well, they tend to try to “fix” your child with strange “cures” they read about on the internet, advice that doesn't really apply to you and old wives tales that have been debunked over and over again. As I said, most mean well, so they’re not bad people, but sometimes it can be rather annoying.
- “The McCarthy Followers” – everything this group says starts with “Well, Jenny McCarthy said...” and that is where I usually start to tune them out. This woman’s son, as doctors have proven, never had autism. The information that she spreads around regarding autism, vaccinations and awareness does nothing but make me shake my head. Her vaccine theories have been disproven again and again, yet people still choose to believe it. I’m sorry, but I’d rather not take medical advice from a person who’s life accomplishment was being naked in a magazine. Thank you.
- “The Disputers” – while in my experience I've only run into these types within the family, they can be found pretty much everywhere. They are the ones that like to tell you that “every kid does that” and “she’s probably just stubborn”. I don’t know why but it’s like they are in denial about what is going on and just refuse to believe it. I can understand that to an extent, but it’s time to just accept it and move on. Still, they like to present you with print outs that dispute that autism even exists sometimes.
- “The Experts”– these types differ from the “fixers” in that instead of offering advice (that you might not agree with) they flat out try to tell you what to do. “If you don’t do (this) than you’re really not trying to help her” or “this can cure autism, you have to do it”. It’s said with such dedication that it’s almost like they’re telling you that if you don’t follow their advice, then you’re a bad parent who’s just not doing the right things. If you were listening to them, you’re kid would be cured by now!
- “The Connector” – they like to watch what your child does, then say things like “Well, my kid does that too” or “that seems like a normal thing for a three year old.” These people, usually, don’t have a child with autism, or kids at all and watch your kid for about three seconds.
- “The Compare-ers”– they like to watch your kids to make sure that their little Johnny or Sally isn't doing any of the things that your kid does. It’s an awkward feeling knowing that people are only paying attention to make sure their kid is in fact, normal.
- “The Blamers” -taking “the expert” one step too far, these people like to tell you that it HAD to be something that you did to cause your child to act this way. Either I wasn't loving enough, or I wasn’t emotionally attached enough... anything really that places the blame on me. These people are toxic and it sucks because they are usually family members.
- “The Magicians” – I call them this because they are usually close friends who slowly start to disappear. They stop calling or texting, they are always too busy to make plans with you. That once a week visit for coffee and chit-chat slowly dwindles down until it’s gone. Tragically, this happens to a lot of parents who find out their child has autism. Close friends, close family just can’t seem to handle it and eventually just vanish.
- “Attention Addicts” -also made up mostly of family members, these people seem to take the situation you are in and use it as their own personal attention seeking ammo. They’ll tell whoever they run into about it, even if they don’t really have anything to do with the child. It’s actually common in families where not everyone gets along. I was told by the mother of a six year old boy with autism that her sister, who’d she long cut ties with, would use her son as way to get attention from anyone she’d met. Making it sound like she was involved with her son and using the situation to cash in on the sympathy of others.
- “The Friends” – a combination of all of the above. You just never know how your friends are going to respond to finding out that you have a child with a disability. Really, it can go any which way at all. Some will stick around, be there for you when you need them, some will try to help the best they can, some will never bring it up and act as if nothing has changed at all, (which isn't always bad, it’s just how some react)...some will avoid you.
- “The Stressors” –another group made up of mostly family members, these people, for whatever reason, seem to enjoy adding to the stress you already have. Petty squabbles, immature arguments and just seemingly, for no reason, starting drama. Outside stress, which is considered any stress brought to you from someone else, is the leading cause of stress for parents of a child with autism or any other disability. Sometimes the only way to get rid of this is to cut ties with the people that cause it. It’s hard sometimes, but when people are relentless in their goal of causing trouble, you do what you have to do. Most of the time, you’re life is better off for it. Less stress equals happiness.
When you find people that truly want to be in your life, truly want to help, want to lend an ear or just offer you a hug when you need it... hold on to them.
