We deal with rejection from our daughter on a daily basis. We've been told by her doctors and evaluators that we’re actually quite lucky. Most of the time, autistic children are emotionally cut off, resistant to hugs and kisses or being held. While Bella does resist most of the time, when her mood allows, she will come to us and give us a hug or a kiss. During the day, she’ll usually do her own thing, but she’ll come over to us every now and then as a way to “check in”. She’ll put her head on my lap, or squeeze her way into my arms.
We’ve tried to explain to others why she seems so distant sometimes and why she tends to avoid people. Even people that she knows, are around often and people that she’ll show affection to one day, will be confused and insulted the next day when she’ll refuse to give them a hug.
We want Bella to know that we love her and that if she’s ever having a bad day, she can come to us. Even if she can’t express herself vocally, there are certain signs we look for that let us know she’s in need of something. When most kids are comforted by a hug, Bella might instead be comforted by simply holding your hand, or spinning around with you. It’s almost like everyone close to Bella has their own “Secret Handshake”.
Her father for example, who will try to convince you that he’s too much of a tough guy to really care about all that mushy love stuff, has a huge soft spot for his babies. Like most fathers, he’s protective and expresses his affection a little differently than I do. He was really the first person to create this “secondary affection” with Bella. It started out where he would just take her hand and spin her around a couple times, then scoop her up in his arms. She loved it. Over the months, it’s become something that they do together that Bella seems to recognize as “Daddy’s way of saying I love you”.
I have my own “Secret Handshake” with her. Totally different from what Cy does with her, but when it all boils down, means pretty much the same thing.
My mother, who’s sees Bella almost every day, started out trying to call her over for hugs when she arrived. That’s what Rayne did when she came over. She’d run over and give her a hug. Bella wouldn’t. It took some time to explain why Bella doesn’t show affection the same way the other kids do, but now, even my mom has her own little “thing” with Bella.
We don’t want people to take her standoffishness personally. Although, it’s instinct really to do so. For family and close friends, we really want them to understand the way Bella’s mind works. However, there is always an exception. Strangers. When we’re out in pubic, it happens a lot. A stranger will come up to us, comment on how cute our kids are. It happens to a lot of parents. They’ll turn to your kid and try to talk to them. Most kids, autistic or not, will sometimes shy away. We’ve dealt with strangers who actually get very offended when Bella ignores them, or turns away, there have been a few times when she’s cried. What do these people really expect? You’re a stranger, getting up close and maybe a little to personal with a child that doesn’t know you. There really is no reason to explain to them why my child is ignoring them. While most of the time it’s totally harmless, there are times when strangers take a few too many liberties. They’ll reach for her face and try to do that “Old Crazy Aunt” cheek squeeze, or they’ll try to tickle her. While my own personally opinion is that you really shouldn’t touch someone else’s kids, they can’t really be offended when a child doesn’t really take to them with smiles and giggles. Most kids, don’t like strangers.
We’ve been told there are very few things we can do to change this behavior. At the same time, now that we’ve all kind of created our own ways of expressing love and affection with Bella, it’s not that big of a deal anymore. As her mother, it still gives me that little twinge of pain in my heart every time I try to hug her and she pushes me away, or when I just want to hold her, but she resists. As much as I want others to understand and not be insulted, I’m still trying to accept it too. I don’t know if it’s something a parent can ever really get used to.
I just have to keep telling myself “not to take it personally”.
It’s really all I can do.
For now.
