....it is REALLY hard for me to write this.
When we first learned of Bella’s autism, we had all the typical questions. “Will she be able to go to a regular school?” “Will she ever be able to communicate with us?” “How normal will her life be? Will she be able to hang out with her friends and go to school football games and dances?”
The idea of having friends just came along with thinking of her future. Sitting in her classroom today, I noticed that Bella, unlike the other kids, wasn’t in a little group. She wasn’t playing with the other kids. While they were off sharing a toy or looking at books together, she was in her own little world, pretending to talk on a plastic phone. I realize though, at that age, not all little kids really play with each other, they just kind of hover around each other and do their own thing. The only difference is, Bella may never interact with others the way typical children do. Another big issue with autism is social interaction. Autistic people can’t read emotion on your face. They can’t understand getting upset when that cute boy from fourth period doesn’t call you back. If you’re crying and expect her to ask you what’s wrong, she’s not going to. She just doesn’t understand. She lacks the empathy required to relate to other people on a seriously emotional level. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care or that she has no emotions, it just means that she doesn’t have the ability to express them the same way others do.
With us, she’s a very loving child. She loves to be around us, she hugs us and gives us kisses. To the extended family she sees daily, there is a little less affection, but she still shows love in her own way. To people that she doesn’t see often or strangers, she’s blank. She might check you out, but from a distance and most of the time, she’ll be rather apprehensive.
Many studies have been done regarding the relationships that typical kids take with a child with any kind of physical or mental disability. All of the studies came back with the same results. Children with disabilities often have no friends, or very few real friends. Until they reach young adulthood when the stigma of “fitting in” and “being cool” is not longer a priority, most kids with disabilities struggle to make and keep friends.
I didn’t really know what to feel while I watched Bella sit there alone at the table. I wondered if this was going to be the norm for her. When she gets older, will she WANT to be friends with other kids. It was almost as if the other kids in the room didn’t exist to her. She just didn’t care that they were there. When another child would wander over to her, she wouldn’t look at them. If they got too close, she’d move away.
It makes me wonder how it’s going to be for her when she reaches high school age. Hopefully her ability to communicate improves greatly by then, but she will always be different. She may still have a lot of trouble with social cues. Her social reactions and interactions might not match the ones of those around her. She may always be intellectually behind in some things and she may always have her “odd” mannerisms and a different way of talking.
An anonymous survey given to high schoolers last year revealed that most teens these days just don’t want to take the time to really get to know someone with a disability. One student even wrote “I don’t want them to think I’m only trying to be friends with them out of pity”. So their “excuse” for not trying at all, is so they don’t come off as pitying.
I was reading a message board a few weeks ago where the woman had posted a “rant” about how the school her teenage son attended was trying to “force” her son and his friends into including a kid with a disability on their sports team. The kid wanted to be a water boy, or a towel boy, anything really to be part of the team. The parents of the football players said that “everyone would know it was just charity, why put the kid through that”. So again, they are excluding the kid from being part of something so it doesn’t look like they’re being petty and giving him charity. This doesn’t make much sense to me. Apparently though, a lot of other parents agreed with this woman. Some of the comments and replies said things like “the parents should have thought about this before they brought him into this world”, “the school shouldn’t be trying to force normal kids to be friends with a kid that’s not” and this little gem, “a normal kid and a kid like that have nothing in common. They should just make programs that all the disabled kids can do together. That way none of the normal kids will feel like they have to be friends with them.”
I read these replies through watery eyes, thinking to myself, “I can’t believe there will be people out there who think these types of things about my daughter.” How can adults speak of children this way. Is this really what they are teaching their own kids? I mean, if we, as her parents, and her sister and brother and her other family can take the time to get to know her and realize what a great kid she is, why can’t other people? Is it really that much of an inconvenience to look past the label and get to know the person?
Clearly, I am getting way ahead of myself. After all, my daughter is just starting pre-school. I just can’t help but think about how it’s going to be later in life. If we send out birthday invitations, will anyone come? If she does go to a school dance, will anyone want to dance with her? Will there be anyone she meets that will take the time, look past the quirks and give her a chance to prove what a great person I know she’s going to be?
Will she be able to make friends? Will she be capable of really relating to someone else?
So many questions where the answers are so far away.
It just all hit me at once today, sitting at a table, watching my two year sit alone, pretending to talk on a little plastic phone.
