Ever since we found out that Bella had autism, I’ve been trying to find a way to explain it to our oldest daughter. Rayne loves her sister. They have their typical sibling spats, but for the most part, they are inseparable. Seriously, we once tried to give them their own rooms, and they BOTH protested so much that we moved them back together the same night. Bella has a lot of issues sleeping and she would constantly wake her sister up. We thought that Rayne would be happy to have her own, quiet room, but she was much too worried about Bella to enjoy it.
The saddest day I’ve had since learning about all of this came to us a few weeks before Christmas. I asked Rayne what she wanted and she said “for sissy to talk to me.” Her words made me cry because I couldn’t give that to her. Neither could Bella.
Bella has been Rayne’s sidekick since birth and Rayne is very protective of her. We talk frequently about her sister and she is at that age now where she is starting to ask questions. I’m stumped at each turn and I don’t know what to say or how to say it so she’ll understand.
I’ve told Rayne a few times that Bella is autistic. I’ve told her that it makes her brain work differently than hers does. Rayne comes back with typical 3 year old answers. “Fix it” and “get her a new one”. One day Rayne came up with her own explanation that has stuck with me since. She told me that “Bella was a butterfly who hasn't gotten her wings yet.” I guess this is her way of explaining things to herself somehow. Rayne calls Bella her “butterfly” all the time. When people who don’t know that Bella is autistic, talk to her and ask her questions, Rayne will answer for her. Sometimes she’ll say “she doesn’t want to talk right now” and ask them to leave her alone. I tell her not to say that because it can sound rude, but I know that Rayne is just trying to help her sister.
While I love that they are so close right now, I don’t want Rayne to grow up feeling like she HAS to care for and continually protect her sister. I know that sometimes that can turn from care and love to resentment. I don’t want Rayne to feel left out or overshadowed or feel in any way that she is responsible for Bella.
Sometimes, I find myself just watching them together. Rayne sees the way Cy and I are with Bella and mimics our behavior. She’s constantly telling Bella to be careful. She takes things away when Bella puts them to her mouth. If Bella ever puts something in her mouth, Rayne is right there to tell her to “spit it out”. It goes so far sometimes that I’ve seen Rayne check Bella’s diaper, and even attempt to pour her some juice. Rayne has woken in the night to Bella crying and curled up with her to help her go back to sleep. We’ve seen her on the monitor singing her “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, Bella’s favorite song.
It touches my heart that a child, who’s just passing the 3 and a half year old mark, can take on such responsibilities on her own. We’ve never asked Rayne to do any of this. If anything we’ve told her numerous times to let Mommy and Daddy do it. She simply says that she “loves her sissy” and she can do it. However, this is the type of thing I don’t want Rayne to grow up and resent.
I love the way that Rayne sees her sister and there is a part of me that doesn’t want her to know that Bella is different. Rayne sees her as being Bella. Her sister. To Rayne there is nothing wrong. The little “stims” that Bella has aren’t strange or odd. To Rayne, when Bella spins, it means it’s time to grab Bella’s hand and spin around too. When Bella lays on the floor, kicking her feet, it’s a reason for Rayne to grab a blanket, cover them up and lay on the floor to watch a movie. Rayne sees her sister though totally innocent eyes that see nothing out of the ordinary. As much as I would love for her to see Bella that way forever, there will come a time when we have to face it all. When I’ll have to tell Rayne the truth, so she knows what is going on. They are both going to be in school soon and that opens a whole new chapter.
I really do wish I could find a way to explain it all, but at the same time, I like the way Rayne sees things. Perfect, nothing wrong. It’s just her sister… another person in her life that she loves to be around. Sometimes, I wish everyone could see Bella that way.
Imagine how blissful it could be if more people saw others the way children see each other.
“An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counselor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too.” ~Pam Brown
