The first time Bella had a meltdown, she was around 13 months old. It was the middle of the night. Cy and I, sleepy eyed and tired, tried all the basic stuff. Changed her diaper, made her something to drink. Changed her clothes in case she was too hot or too cold. The crying went from normal tears to uncontrollable sobbing very quickly. We were at a total loss of what was happening and what we should do. I spent three hours that night rocking her in our rocking chair, trying to get her to calm down. Eventually, it stopped, almost as suddenly as it started.
From that first one, it began to happen more and more. Mostly at night. She would go down for bed, but wake up shortly after in hysterics. Sometimes I would just rock her until it stopped, sometimes I’d try to talk to her but mostly I would just cry with her out of sheer defeat. I felt as if I was failing her somehow. I couldn’t console her and I didn’t know how to make her feel better.
A few months later when I started to suspect that she had autism, I’d come across some information on sleep issues in autistic children. It explained that they don’t have a normal level of melatonin, although research isn’t sure why. Melatonin is what regulates your sleep cycles. It tells you when to fall asleep and when to wake up. I figured that it couldn’t hurt to try, and after clearing it with her doctor, we started her on it. After about a week, there was a drastic change in her sleeping patterns. She could sleep for six hour stretches without waking and when she did wake up there was less commotion. She’d go back to sleep easier. After I learned more, I also incorporate a heavy, or weighted blanket on her at night and she wears a weighted vest or backpack during the day. This all helps with her sensory integration and in turn, helps her sleep better.
She still has meltdowns frequently. They happen more during the day now that she’s a little older and sleeping better at night. The only way I can explain it is to compare it to a time bomb. The timer starts, and on her good days, the countdown goes slower, but it never totally stops. When she has bad days, the timer clicks down faster until the time is up…and she explodes. She has her meltdown and then the timer starts all over again.
I want to point out the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. A tantrum is something that I associate with a child acting out when they don’t get their way. A meltdown is something that happens when Bella is feeling too overstimulated and overwhelmed. When too many things are overpowering her at once. Maybe she’s fine one minute, but the TV is up too loud and the light coming in the window seems too bright for her. There are people talking around her and it all just gets to be too much. All of her unexpressed emotions seem to boil over until they come out in the form of an emotional breakdown where she seems to have very little to no control over herself. It can, however, all initially start with her getting frustrated with something. She keeps trying to get to something that she’s not allowed to get to, and it upsets her. Or she wants or needs something and can’t verbally express it. The more we guess what she wants and the more we get it wrong, the more frustrated she gets. Add that to all the sensory overload from her surroundings and it’s only a matter of time before her timer reaches zero. Now that we know a little more on how to help her through them, they don’t last as long, usually between five minutes to and hour.
There are times when I have to physically hold her tight so she won’t hurt herself or throw herself to the ground. Sometimes I will “burrito” her in a heavy blanket. After a few minutes, when the most extreme part is over, she can handle the rest of her agitation by pacing and crying or laying flat. With a lot of observation, Cy and I have begun to notice when a meltdown is coming. Sometimes simply taking her away from whatever is causing her to feel uncomfortable helps wonders, although it never fully stops it from happening. Sometimes once it’s started, we’ll put her in a warm bath of Lavender Epsom salt. This seems to really help her calm down faster.
She’s only had one meltdown in public so far. This can be harder only because of the people around you who think they are “experts” and feel the need to comment on your childs behavior. I now kind of understand what set her off that day. There were a lot of people and I remember Christmas music playing on the PA system. Beeping from stocking carts backing up, security alarms going off, crying babies, yelling kids. It was all just too much. This one didn’t last very long. Just long enough to get a few dirty looks and a couple of not so subtle remarks. From the outside, seeing a child break down and cry while trying desperately to escape the arms of her mother can look bad… but they had no idea what was going on. You have to ignore it all and do what you know is best for your child. If they benefit from being hugged tightly, do it. Even if they struggle and even if you’re getting the “look of a thousand deaths” from random strangers. If they like you to sing, which Bella does not, cause I have an awful singing voice, do that too. Even if those total strangers, who don’t even have kids, want to tell you that you’re doing everything wrong. You know your child better than anyone else does.
Our goal isn’t to try to stop them from happening, because that’s an impossible goal. Our job is to try to teach her to control them. It’s difficult now since she’s so young, but the worst case scenario will be that if she still has this little control over her actions when she gets to be an adult (or even a young adult). The kind of self harm that adult autistics can do when they’ve never learned to control their meltdowns is devastating. Higher functioning autistics, like Bella, seem to be able to teach themselves ways to handle it as they get older. Until that time comes, we will be there to help her.
Even with all the other issues we face daily, the meltdowns are probably the hardest. Having that little effect on trying to calm and comfort your own child makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. Patience, persistence, consistency and practice are my four new favorite words. Cy and I have learned not to be so hard on ourselves when we can't get her to calm down. I still get mad at myself sometimes even though I know that environmental changes help her more than physical comfort. Like I said, the most you can really do is learn what your own child responds better to and be prepared to do it at any given time throughout the day.
“An autistic child’s meltdown can be compared to that of blind rage. Only replace rage with all the other emotions the average person feels throughout the day.”
~Author Unknown
