Four years ago, while shopping at Target with a friend of mine, we came into contact with someone that changed the way I saw parenting forever. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. My friend had just given birth to her beautiful son and was pushing him in a cart. I waddled along side her, Rayne still weeks from joining us in the world.
At the end of the baby aisle we saw a woman with short brown hair, standing in front of the boxes of Huggies and Pampers.
As we got closer, I saw her take a not so discreet peek into our shared shopping cart. It’s only contents were my friends cans of formula. She had tried to breastfeed little Nathan, but due to the medication she was on for a clotting disorder, she just couldn’t. It made her sad that she couldn’t do it like it she wanted to, but she also know that he child needed to eat.
As I reached past this lady to add another box of diapers to my stockpile at home, she looked at me with a sigh. It’s like she’d been waiting for someone to do just what I had done.
“You really should use cloth diapers. They are safer for your baby and don’t contain dangerous chemicals.” She said it so fast, I almost couldn’t understand her. By the time I was ready to say something, she’d turned her attention to the formula.
“Breast milk is the ONLY thing you should feed your baby. Formula is pushed on mothers to make money for the companies and hospitals. Here.”
She then slipped a home printed pamphlet into our cart, and just as fast as she talked, she left.
What my friend said next, stuck with me. She said that it wasn’t bad enough that she already felt horrible, but now she had total strangers making her feel like a bad mother.
As we left the store, I half expected to see this woman again, and maybe some of her friends, standing out front with giant signs attached to sticks that read “You’re bad mothers”.
Where did this woman get off?
So now, four years later, I am writing a blog about it. The reason behind it is what reminded me of that day in the first place. Talking to another mother at the Early Intervention Center. Her child was there “ to correct a simple lisp” she’d said. She asked why I was there and I told her.
“Did you breastfeed?” She sounded concerned, but it really just came off to me as being nosy. I mean, we’d known each other all of five minutes and that seemed like a really personal question to ask. The fact is, I had breastfed Bella for a few weeks. My kidney issues were acting up and I was put back on my medication. It was either working kidney or breastfeeding, so good kidney won. I explained this, with less detail.
What she said next is one of three times I’ve ever felt like punching out a stranger. I actually felt my fist ball up and my face get angry red.
“Maybe that’s why she has autism. You know, the stuff they put in formula is toxic.”
So like my friend, so many years ago, I was standing there, already feeling bad after just finding out my child was autistic, and now I have a total stranger telling me that it’s because I didn’t breastfeed her.
I knew that I didn’t cause Bella’s autism. Deep down, I think that lady knew it too. She seemed more insulted that I chose not to breastfeed than anything else.
So, years ago that fast talking woman with short brown hair had me questioning what I thought I knew about being a parent. The lady at the Center only went to reinforce it. I’d always thought we were all trying to do the same things.
When did we, as mothers, get off the same page? Call me naive, but I always thought we all just wanted to do our best and raise our kids to be good people. I realize now, however, that it’s breastfeeding mothers vs. formula feeding mothers.
Co-sleeping mothers vs. cribs and bassinets.
Baby wearing mothers vs. stroller mothers.
Cloth diapering mothers vs. Disposable diapering mothers.
Ultimately, when it’s all said and done, it’s really just mothers vs. other mothers.
You can read every book by every so called “parenting expert”, and you can follow every rule to the letter if you want, but while you’re arguing at the playground over who’s doing it right and who’s doing it wrong, you’re kids are probably over somewhere playing together on the slide, or sharing a mud pie. They could care less which one was breastfed and who is co-sleeping.
So, here is a question I would like you all reading this to answer, please. If you’ve ever experienced anything like this, been told that you’re doing something wrong, been asked why you don’t do something else or just been flat out insulted over the comments of another mother, help me understand why YOU think people do this.
Why do you think there are so many mothers putting down other mothers over the choices we make when raising our kids. Feel free to voice your opinion in the comments sections or if you’d rather keep it a little more private, send me a message on facebook. The replies that I get will be a part of a future blog I’m putting together that talks more about this seemingly never ending duel between mothers. I want to thank you ahead of time for any and all replies, opinions and comments you choose to share.
There is no right or wrong way to raise your child. As long as you do it with love, care and stability the outcome is more important than the methods we use. So why are there so many mothers out there condemning other mothers and telling them that they’re “doing it wrong”?
