I was left with more questions than answers and all I could get from the doctors were averages and percentages. I did some internet searches, but none of it really told me anything. I realized that to learn about autism, I would have to study my daughter. She was the only person who’d be able to explain it to me. Obviously, not with words, but with her actions, reactions and the basic way she functioned throughout the day.
At first, I questioned myself a lot. I feared that others would question me too. Was I strong enough to really deal with all of it. To handle a three year old, an autistic 18 month old and the high demands of a newborn baby. It was very overwhelming and I felt lost. I tried to put on a brave face for friends and family and her doctors and evaluators. I wanted them to think that I was in control of everything. Eventually, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t. It took me months to accept that and even now, I worry about losing control of the few thing that I have gained a grip on.
I tell myself daily that it will take time. I have to remind myself that I’ve only been the mother of an autistic child for a little over six months. It took me that long with my first baby to really get the hang of all the regular, basic everyday things I was supposed to do. How could I expect myself to instantly learn how to maneuver through day to day life in the matter of a few weeks.
All of the usual things went through my head.
“People are going to make fun of her”
“She’s going to have a hard time making friends”
“People are going to judge her on her condition, instead of who she is”
“She’s going to get left out”
So on and so on. I went as far as to write out all the things I was worried about. I showed them to my husband. He simply said “These are all things that I’m sure all parents worry about for their kids, whether they have autism or not.” He was right. His very analytical brain was able to see things from another perspective. I think that is what helps us. We see things differently and each have our own take on certain situations. When I can’t figure something out, he’s more than ready to jump in and save me. I, of course, do the same for him. It really goes back to having a great support system. Whether that be your significant other, your mother, your father or your best friend. I’m just lucky because my husband is my best friend and we work well together.
I still worry about things, but I try to focus more on helping her with the things she needs to learn now. I try my best to treat her no differently than the other kids, but I also realize that she is different. There are just certain things that can not be done the same way.
I wish that I had a huge list of tips and tricks and methods on how to handle all the things that parents to an autistic child are in for… but I don’t. I’m still learning myself. So far, we’ve managed to teach Bella to ask for a drink without having a meltdown. Doesn’t sound like much, but we take that as a huge success.
On the other hand, my child has taught us quite a few things. She has shown us the meaning of unconditional love. There are days when she doesn’t want to be around anyone, but will always take a few minutes to come over and sit next to me or put her head on my lap. I see that as her way of saying “I love you” and until the words actually come from her mouth, that is what I will continue to believe. For every meltdown we deal with, there are also hugs and laughter and smiles. Most importantly, for every reason I feel like I can’t handle it anymore, there are ten thousand reasons why she’s more than worth the stress and sleepless nights. She’s taught us the true meaning of being patient and has bonded our family together in ways we’d never know if it weren’t for her. She’s done all of this in less than six months. It makes me wonder what other amazing things she’s going to do tomorrow, or next month, a year from now... five years from now.
I'm not totally sure how to end this blog. I could go on and on with random thoughts on this whole thing... so I'll just say next time, I’ll talk more about how we handle some of the issues we encounter and what we try to do to “help” her.
“Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.”
~Ellen Notbohm
