I’ve read a lot of blogs, message boards and chat room dialog, and there are a lot of questions and comments that some parents find offensive. Now, I will admit that some of them, I don’t really understand. I think that a question like “You must have your hands full dealing with that”, isn’t meant to be offensive, but I can also understand how it could be taken that way. I mean, I do have my hands full, but don’t most parents?
In this world of excessive political-correctness, it’s hard to know what is okay and what’s not. Pretty much anything you say can be taken the wrong way by someone.
Any question that seems genuine, is fine with me. If someone comes up to me and asks me what condition my daughter has, I don’t mind telling them. Even if it seems a little random.
But, like the parents I meet on the message boards, I do have questions that I hate being asked too.
Now, some of these are self-explanatory. I think to myself “why would you ever think that’s okay to say to a total stranger”. Some might not be so obvious, so, of course, I’ve added what I usually think or say.
“Why would you have more kids if she is autistic?”
This bothers me for a lot of reasons. Now, for one, we found out about Bella’s condition when I was 7 months pregnant. Either way, the way I see it is I’d rather have a child with autism, than no child at all. I was told at the age of 17 that I would never even have my own kids thanks to a stupid tumor I had removed on my uterus. So having a child with autism would never discourage me from having more kids. My son is awesome and I’m glad that he’s here.
“Jenny McCarthy cured her sons autism with diet change, you should try that.”
Any comment that starts with “Jenny McCarthy” instantly makes my eyes burn. I have nothing against her personally, but I don’t agree with the “information” she’s spreading. It’s been proven, that her son may not have ever had autism at all. Her son suffered from convulsions and seizures, which are both not common with autism. The fact that he is “cured” means that doctors could be correct in their assessment that he had a condition called Landau-Kleffner Syndrome instead. (click here to learn more about LKS) Diet change and vitamins can do wonders for children with that condition and that is what she did to help him. I am glad that it worked for her, but I feel awful for all those parents out there who think that they can “cure” their child’s autism with expensive organic foods and injectable vitamins. I am not trying to be rude at all, but there is no cure for autism.
“You shouldn't have vaccinated her”
This bothers me because of the way it was said. As if I am to blame for her autism because I choose to have her vaccinated. Now, I know that the autism/vaccination connection is a hot topic, but it doesn’t apply to us. Bella suffered with chronic sinus infections and the doctors and I agreed to postpone her vaccinations until she was better. This put her way behind on her shots and she never received the vaccine in question. If someone were to ask me “was she vaccinated”, I’d be more than willing to answer them. Like I said, the way this question was said just makes it sound so accusatory.
“You should just leave her home”
I had this said to me after an event occurred at a playground. After I’d hurdled a swing, a slide and a few children to reach Bella before she put something gross in her mouth. I wasn’t angry at the statement, but I felt the need to reply to this one. I asked her why I would do that. She said “then you wouldn’t have to worry so much and chase her everywhere”. My opinion on this is that when we go out on family walks and trips to the playground, we go as a family. Why would we leave one of them at home? Not only that, but would it really be smart to leave an autistic two year old home alone? That’s sort of a joke, but seriously, we’re all gone.. How and why would we just leave her home? She has every right to enjoy the swings and slide, and like every kid, she deserves a chance to earn her skinned knees and bruised elbows. Every parent ends up chasing their kid around the park and I’m sure all parents worry. We’re no different.
Last, but not least;
When we’re out and we pass by strangers, sometimes we get what most parents do. “Aww, you’re daughter is so cute”. We thank them and they ask how old she is. When we say that she’s almost two, they get a strange look on their face and say “Oh, she’s not talking yet?” If we fell like explaining, we will, but sometimes we just say “no”. I’ve had a couple ladies say “Hmph. I wish my kid didn’t talk!.” It takes everything I have not to scream at them. “NO YOU DON’T”. You get to hear your kid scream and cry and complain, but you also get to hear them say things like “Mommy”, and “Daddy”, and “I love you”. Having a non-verbal child is hard. The communication barrier causes a lot of frustration for both Bella and for us. I know that this might be said to be humorous or to lighten the mood, but it still bothers me.
There are other things that bother me, but not as much as the ones I listed.
Things like “If it makes you feel any better…”, that one might sound a little petty, but I don't want anyone to make me feel better, I feel fine. And I know that when people say "Oh, I'm so sorry.." that it's also coming from the right place, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me or Bella. I usually just tell them "Don't be sorry. She's a wonderful kid. We just need to readjust a few things and learn to do things in a different way."
I know that not everyone can understand my situation. I don't expect every person I run into to know every thing there is to know about autism. I know that most of the things people say come from a good place and isn’t meant to be offensive or insulting. Some of the things that bother ME, might not bother someone else. Most of the time, I see the questions as another way to raise some autism awareness.
I guess the point of this post is simply, think before you ask. If you’d find it offensive to be asked, you probably shouldn’t ask someone else. Before you roll your eyes at the lady in front of you in the grocery store because her kid is screaming and having a fit, give her the benefit of the doubt. I won’t lie, I used to be one of those women who would hear a screaming child and think “Geeze, my kid will never act like that!”. Well, now I AM the woman who’s kid is acting like that. It stinks that it took my daughter to make me realize how judgmental I was back then.
Sometimes, I guess, it just takes one to know one.
